Smoking ban incites violence at NNP show

It all happened around 11:30pm, when Céline Dijon and Bonnie Day decided to fully embrace Jean-Luc Retard’s “Le Château” by donning Dior® sunglasses and lighting up each other’s cigarettes, while nonchalantly shaking their maracas. “Le Château” is an ode to the infamous Château Marmont Hotel in Los Angeles, where hyperstars and hypostars alike congregate to watch each other do absolutely nothing. (They also make a nice bloody mary). So Céline and Bonnie thought they’d do a little dramatic reenactment for the show. However, they were unaware that this small action would eventually lead to utter chaos.

In New York City, public smoking is a crime — but only when you’re not performing. (Or maybe also while you are performing?) It turns out a Woman Fan was also getting into the vibe of “Le Château”, and thus lit up — naturally. Upon seeing her light up, a very big (in all directions) man (a/k/a,The Bouncer) allegedly shoved her with some violence. The Woman Fan then shrieked (we thought in elation, it was a concert after all) and slammed into a Friend Of NNP, who didn’t know what was happening. Upon thinking the Woman Fan was being aggressed unprovoked, the Friend Of NNP urged her Boyfriend and Another Guy (who we shall dub Coco Van Damme) to follow up on the situation, which was — literally — being carried outside by The Bouncer. That is to say, she got a ride out of the club.

Then, all we know is that there was a big fight in the bitter cold. Trying to calm things down resulted in the Boyfriend’s coat being torn to shreds, and Coco’s head bleeding, then the Po-Leece showed up, an Ambulance arrived. Quelle grosse merde! Yes, this whole time, as the true professionals that …Nous Non Plus are, we did not stop playing. For you see, le show must go on…

We knew smoking caused cancer, birth defects and that awful cough we have in the morning…but such violence? Quel horror!