Céline Dijon

Céline Dijon’s life was not always so rosy as you are imagining.

First of all, she is the bastard child from an illegitimate union between two misfits: a disillusioned Swiss man who fled to Paris when someone told him there was more to life than chocolate and cuckoo clocks, and a Chinese woman who fled to the US when someone told her that her country was going to force her to have no fashion freedom.

Céline’s birth at the Hôpital Américain de Paris (which, ironically, is not IN Paris, but in the suburbs) almost entirely drained the family’s resources, as no one had informed them that it was no longer free to expats since the 1920s.

As a result, Céline Dijon was not raised on the right bank. NO. The poor thing is une enfant du sixième. So Bobo!

Impatient to live the perfect life she had envisioned for herself, she auditioned to be a Crazy Horse dancer at the tender age of 14. Tragedy. Her breasts were the right shape, but despite having started to avidly smoke by the age of 12, this did not prove early enough to stunt her growth: at 1m76, she was already too tall for Le Crazy. She quit smoking.

Dejected, she accepted an offer to sing as back-up for Lova Moor’s pop outfit (still in the hopes of getting into Le Crazy). Quickly realizing this was leading absolutely nowhere, she saved all her centimes to cross the Atlantique, where she had heard something about intriguing self-made men. After a little turbulence, narrow seats and NO MOVIE (merde alors, putain de Concorde!) she landed in Queens, et le reste, mes amis, c’est de l’Histoire…

Smoking ban incites violence at NNP show

It all happened around 11:30pm, when Céline Dijon and Bonnie Day decided to fully embrace Jean-Luc Retard’s “Le Château” by donning Dior® sunglasses and lighting up each other’s cigarettes, while nonchalantly shaking their maracas. “Le Château” is an ode to the infamous Château Marmont Hotel in Los Angeles, where hyperstars and hypostars alike congregate to watch each other do absolutely nothing. (They also make a nice bloody mary). So Céline and Bonnie thought they’d do a little dramatic reenactment for the show. However, they were unaware that this small action would eventually lead to utter chaos.

In New York City, public smoking is a crime — but only when you’re not performing. (Or maybe also while you are performing?) It turns out a Woman Fan was also getting into the vibe of “Le Château”, and thus lit up — naturally. Upon seeing her light up, a very big (in all directions) man (a/k/a,The Bouncer) allegedly shoved her with some violence. The Woman Fan then shrieked (we thought in elation, it was a concert after all) and slammed into a Friend Of NNP, who didn’t know what was happening. Upon thinking the Woman Fan was being aggressed unprovoked, the Friend Of NNP urged her Boyfriend and Another Guy (who we shall dub Coco Van Damme) to follow up on the situation, which was — literally — being carried outside by The Bouncer. That is to say, she got a ride out of the club.

Then, all we know is that there was a big fight in the bitter cold. Trying to calm things down resulted in the Boyfriend’s coat being torn to shreds, and Coco’s head bleeding, then the Po-Leece showed up, an Ambulance arrived. Quelle grosse merde! Yes, this whole time, as the true professionals that …Nous Non Plus are, we did not stop playing. For you see, le show must go on…

We knew smoking caused cancer, birth defects and that awful cough we have in the morning…but such violence? Quel horror!